Saturday, September 29, 2007

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony Visit PS 36 in the Bronx

On September 25, 2007 JLo and hubby Marc Anthony visited PS 36 in the Bronx to kick off their new tour and to promote healthy living for kids. The Bronx, in addition to being attached to the mainland, being the third poorest county in the country, and having an avenue named Hoe, is also known as the most obese borough of the City of New York. It was good to see JLo back in the neighborhood, especially encouraging young kids to stay healthy. She and Anthony were greeted by a joyous, screaming mob of elementary school kids, their parents, and neighborhood residents. As an amusing aside, when Marc Anthony met the prinicpal, Ms. Nilda Rivera, he immediately recognized her as one of his elementary school teachers when he was a youngster in Manhattan. The emotion of the day peaked when JLo and Marc Anthony were serenated by the children's choir and both broke into tears. I must say that since the visit, the spirits have been high in the school and I am sure that there will be positive long term effects from their appearance. Kudos to the couple! (See the video clips from their visit to the left of this post).

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I Have Discovered Another Irresistible Force

I should be receiving a Noble Prize for this one soon, if not at least a KFC discounts booklet. There is an irresistible force in the universe, stronger than gravity and probably comingling with quantum energy. This irresistible force draws every human who's ever walked by a display cannon to stick his or her head in the barrel. See the incredible photo below for evidence!

As you can see, neither the diameter of the cannon nor the size of the human head can overcome this irresistible force. This chap was outfitted with anti-stickheadincannongear (see small knapsack on back) and was still unable to resist The Force.

In my early study of this phenomenon, I had presumed that the ratio of height of cannon to height of person would reduce the strength of the Irresistible Force. I was indeed surprised to find that I was wrong, despite the strong mathematical predictions suggesting the opposite.

I had been toiling for over three years studying this freak of nature, as I called it when I initially encountered it, though my mother-in-law thought I was referring to her, which I was, sometimes, when I was informed that an obscure amateur scientist had begun a similar investigation years ago, when the earth was black and white, but failed to proceed further in his studies since he used himself as the cannoneed subject, and furthermore was unawares that the cannon depicted here was not a display cannon but rather a live one that was shortly thereafter employed to distract the enemy's flanks, leaving behind only shreds of experimental notes and an old buy one get one free Dairy Queen coupon.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

New MTA Rules Do Not Go far Enough

We are occasionally reminded by the MTA of their new rules of proper subway conduct. Personally, I don’t think they go far enough to address all the serious issues of discomfort that afflict New Yorkers on a daily basis. According to the MTA’s new rules, it is a violation to:

• Jump the turnstile or enter the system improperly, even if your MetroCard is not working properly. Author’s note: there are proper ways to jump a turnstile, the most encouraged one being the Fosbury Flop.

• Refuse to present special fare card to police officer or transit employee. Telling the officer or employer he has three guesses is also a violation.

• Straddle a bicycle, wear in-line or roller skates, stand on a skateboard or ride a scooter. You are, however, allowed to do all five at once.

• Move between end doors of a subway car whether or not train is in motion, except in an emergency or when directed by police officer or conductor (emergencies do not include removing one-self from a malodorous condition because the rider next to you had one too many Gorditas at Taco Bell).

• Place one's foot on the seat of a subway, bus, or platform bench; occupy more than one seat or place bags on an empty seat when doing so would interfere with transit operations or the comfort of other customers. You can place other people‘s feet on a chair so long as it is not inconvenient to them and you agree to meet for drinks at the next stop.

Clearly, these rules do not begin to address the myriad discomforts encountered by subway riders. For starters, the MTA should consider adding the following rules:

• Any idiot playing a computer game at a high volume will have his or her subscription to Loud and Idiotic Video Games cancelled.

• Business people will not be allowed to “talk shop” just because they happen to run into each other on the Number 6. We do not need to hear about how “Bob is clearly not in charge” or how “Jen is in way over her head”.

• Tourists will be banned from acting as if they are on a high speed roller coaster every time a train pulls out of a station.

• Conductors will not be allowed to say that there is a train “directly behind this one” unless they can prove that a train once snuck up on this one from above.

• Conductors will not be allowed to embellish in any way, shape or form the indication of a stop except at the last stop when they will be required to say “Baddee, baddee, baddee, that’s all folks.”

I think these rules are reasonable and should be adopted post-haste by the MTA board or pre-haste before the next threatened strike deadline.