Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Cross-Bronx Expressway

Where do I start? The Expressway is anything but express. It’s more like a long, slowly shifting parking lot. Power Broker Robert Moses built it in the 1960’s to speed traffic through the Bronx from Long Island and into Manhattan and New Jersey. It should have been named the Avoid-the-Bronx Expressway. The irony is that it’s actually very difficult to get across the Bronx from east to west or vice versa. When I take my kids to the dentist in Riverdale from Castle Hill the choices are 1) pay $15.00 for car service and ride for 40 minutes; 2) take two buses for an hour and 30 minute ride and 3) take the number 6 train from the Bronx to 125th street in Manhattan, then take the 4 train back into the Bronx to switch to the number 2 train which you take back into Manhattan to then take the number 1 train back to the Bronx to 231 St where you can transfer to a bus to Riverdale. By the time you get to the dentist’s their baby teeth will have fallen out and they’ll be ready for dentures.

Now you might ask, "Hey, Bronxilla, why don't you just take your kids to a local dentist?" the answer is: the practice is excellent. The have weekend hours; their offices are thouroughly cleaned after each patient; and their offices are open so that there is no opportunity for anyone to do anything inappropriate.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sample Jokes from My Stand-Up

Albert Einstein accomplished a lot but when people praised him he would be humble and say "I stand on the shoulders of giants". I haven't accomplished as much, so when people praise me I don't say "I stand on the shoulders of giants". Instead I say, "I sit on the faces of midgets".

I used to know a blind guy who was terrible with his finances. He was in debt up to his eye sockets.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

The Penny Change Dilemma

No matter what, I can't win when there's a penny owed me for change. I feel cheap if I wait for the penny, say after I give a merchant $4.00 for a non-sales tax $3.99 item. But I feel ripped off if the merchant hesitates in giving me my penny change. And if I walk away without my penny as if I didn't care, I berate myself afterwards for my false indifference. Maybe next time I'll just get another product so there's no penny change involved, and avoid this whole dilemma.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

A Sample of My Humor Writing

I am a student of Asian migration and have lived among Asian immigrants for the past twenty years. My book details all the cultural nuances of the Hmong, a Vietnamese ethnic group displaced by the Vietnam War. I focus particularly on a sub-set of the Hmong, who tend to be tall for their group. I had to publish under a pseudonym to protect my privacy. Here is my book: The Hmong Among Us Are Humongous, by Hugh Mingus.