Tuesday, August 25, 2009
As if things weren't bad enough for the 2009 New York Mets, the latest news that Johan Santana is out for the season with bone chips in his elbow seems like that's as bad as it can get. But wait, there is still more than a month left in the season, so who knows what else can happen. Will a hot prospect get injuried in his first at bat, or after throwing his first pitch? What new twist can this team give to losing a game at the last moment? Unassisted triple play. Done. Missing third base. Ditto. Dropping an infield pop fly. Been there. Perhaps an outfielder will toss the second out of an inning into the stands, thinking it's out number three and the winning run will score for the opposing team. Maybe someone will bat out of order, forcing Jerry Manuel to use a non-pitcher to pitch in a late inning game. Let's just wait and see.
I was going to mention as emblematic of the season the offer of free Mets tickets from an online pawn broker. I guess that's the most positive association that one can make with the Mest these days, but even they have pulled the offer.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Unable to control the growth of its imported camel population, the Australian government has decided to shoot 650,000 camels from helicopters and sell them for meat and other uses (whatever those may be). Any guess as to what McDonald's will call this tasy new treat? Will it be on sale on "hump" day? Rumor has it that Sarah Palin, fond of shooting wildlife from helicopters, has asked to go on a ride-along to test her skills against the slow-footed targets.
Friday, August 07, 2009
A large man who lived and worked in the San Francisco Bay area was fired yesterday by his employer, a company normally known by the first letter of the alphabet. This large man was purported to have shared a golden thong with other workers at his previous job, which was with a competing business in the same industry in New York City. The official reason for his firing was his poor performance, although other large men who comment on this industry said his poor performance might have been the result of drug use. This large man had previously done commercials for underarm deodorants, but it is not certain that this line of work is still available to him. It is rumored that another competing business in this industry may wish to hire hime. They are quoted as saying they could "use his stick", which might help them reach their ultimate goal of jumping on each other on a dirt mound and then running inside and spraying liquor into each other's faces.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Former President Bill Clinton spent the last few days as the guest of North Korean dictator Kim Jong II to "get away from that nasty bitch", rumored to be former first lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Asked about dealing with a ruthless dictator like Jong, Clinton responded "Are you kidding me? This is a piece of cake compared to being asked 24/7 "You did have sex with that woman, didn't you!?" Clinton was surprised and disappointed to learn that Korea (both North and South) have a centuries long tradition of underwear wearing interns. "It just makes the cigar thing easier", he was heard mumbling under his breath. "All I want to do is come home with a couple of hot Asian babes" said Clinton to Jong. Upon hearing this request, Jong threw away the nuclear development cessation treaty his staff prepared, and turned journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee over to a beaming Clinton. "I love take out," where the last words heard from Clinton as he boarded a jet plane back to the United States.